Archive for musings

insufficient

I was watching “Stuck in Love” the other day, I would not recommend it unless you are like totally emotional (like on your period) and a hopeless sob like me. I quite liked it cause I related to some of the issues, hating your mum, wanting to be a writer… and also…. how I have not experienced life enough.

Some people look at me with my full make-up on and my japanese-styled clothes and go, “Oh, you must be a party girl”, “Total wild child here”, “How many boys have you snogged?”… And the truth is .. I’m just a goodie-two-shoes nerd who just happened to like some … “goth”? “dark”? things. I’ve been to a club twice, I’m sadly allergic to alcohol and smoke makes me cough.

I grew up in life never being in detention more than once (unless the whole class was ordered to by the teacher, so that doesn’t count) and that one time was probably because I forgot to bring my textbook to school.

When I was in primary school, we had a demerit point system where if you misbehave, you will gain 1 demerit point. Once you “collected” a grand total of 5 points, you will be in a lot of trouble. What trouble that is, I don’t really know. I never had a demerit point throughout my school years. I was always afraid of being bad.

Being “bad” was such a taboo thing, since it was drilled into my brain (courtesy of my primary school teachers) that you will suffer dire consequences. I think back now and the main reason why I strived so bloody hard to being “good” was because I wanted to please my parents so desperately.

Parents who viewed me as the black sheep of the family, who never wanted a girl, who never expected a second child. I was a sad accidental baby they had, unlike the golden child of the family: my elder brother. Who was the perfect child, scoring good grades and never getting into trouble. I had to strive to be better than him, or even on the same level as him just to get my parents’ approval.

I think back now and feel sorry about my childhood because I wasn’t daring enough. I was the sort of wallflower introvert and I hung out with people that was slightly… quieter. I was happy and in my comfort zone, I didn’t bother to go out of my way to make other friends. I was happy with the company I had.

Sometimes I feel embarrassed to admit that I’m not the ohsodaring person people think I am. It was awkward for me, talking to friends younger than me and who looked up to me as an elder sister, when they were talking about their bedroom activities because I had none to share, nothing to advise.

I think back about the choices I’ve made, the paths I took and wonder if it’s worth it. Is it worth it to be be “good” all the time? Miss primp and proper? Just to get a slight nod from my parents?

In 2014, I hope that I can find the courage to be more daring and adventurous because it is certain to me now, that I would never live up to my parents’ expectations of me, and any other effort on my part is such a waste of time. Waste of my life. I want to live a life that when I’m old and wrinkly, I can look back and feel appeased that I have stories to tell and experiences to share.

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How oddly comforting

As I sit here and type this, I’m in the midst of a (already) 2-hour skype conversation with my best friend, alone in my room on a Saturday afternoon.

There’s not much a of a conversation really. The only sounds I make are the tic-tats of my keyboard and clearing my throat once in a while as I surf the net. And my best friend only says, “Oh shit ! Oh shit” from time to time, as she plays Left4Dead on her laptop. On and off, I can hear the distant sounds of her cousin fussing around in the kitchen.

As weird as it may sound, it is strangely comforting to be connected to someone (whilst wanting to be anti-social, #isthatweird). I caught a bad cold a few days past and am very reluctant to leave the house. Not because I would be spreading germs to innocent people, but the thought of not having enough tissue papers to curb my dripping nose is daunting.

While I do want to be a couch-potato; watch TV and snack on cookies all day, my taste buds have gone wonky and eating cookies feel nothing more than chewing on crunchy air. There is no taste and definitely no joy in my treasured treats. As such, I have holed myself up in the comforts of my room, hugging a soft toy, surfing buzzfeed and listening to my bestie curse over our call.

I am bored, hungry and upset but at least I feel somewhat “connected” to someone in my hour of gloom. Thank you glorious technology. For if without, I would be probably on the floor, scratching out carvings on my wooden floor.

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Write again

I want to start writing again. Maybe it helps me mentally, if I pen down all my thoughts. So I don’t worry too much.

I hope to start again soon! Even if it’s a slow take-off, I will get there eventually (:

“I write to empty my mind and to fill my heart.” – Paulo Coelho

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switch

recently i feel like my younger brother = elder brother
and my elder brother = younger brother.

my little brother, who used to not care about others, expect to be babied (still does at times though), who only thought of himself, has really grown up.

he’s become someone i can rely on when i need help (although it comes with mischievous remarks) and always makes me laugh and smile.

on the other hand, my elder bro, as of late has been not talking to me and only talks to me when he needs help (=_=)||| so he’s more like how my younger bro used to be, distant!

but no matter what, i’m thankful for both of them.
though recently more thankful to my lil brother now since he’s been giving me lots of advice and encouragement.

he is truly someone who’s going to be amazing (and wealthy HAHAHA) in future and i’m so so so glad he grew up and is so knowledge now !

thanks lil bro for being my second mini hero in life (:

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just wanna dance sometimes

I throw my hands up in the air sometimes
Saying a-yo, gotta let go
I wanna celebrate and live my life
Saying a-yo, baby let’s go

– Taio Cruz – Dynamite

Suddenly want to go to a club, dance and get loose.

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the power of advertising

“Everywhere we go, everywhere we look we are inundated with messages. We don’t even have to think for ourselves. All we have to do is sit on our comfy couch and be told how to live our lives. From how to look, what to wear, what to eat, what our homes should look like, how to meet people, what to drive, practically every facet of our lives is taken care of. That is the power of advertising.”

– Monita Rajpal on Marketing Interactive

Wished some people would get a clue on how to dress well though.

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the dude who loves all things pretty

I’ve always be considered a tom-boy since young.
My elder brother tells me, we are male twins, I’m just in the wrong body and got out wayyyy too late haha.
We used to look a little when we are younger, now, we are distinctively different haha.

But people sometimes look at my physical appearance and wonder, what’s so tom-boyish about that?

And I started to come to a conclusion about myself. Inside this shell of a female:
I’m an extremely shallow dude (HAHA) who loves pretty girls.
And since my appearance is a girl and I have to look at her everyday in the mirror, why not make her pretty?
I don’t want to look at a haggard girl 24/7 and live with that. (In the morning when I wake up to wash my face, I get a shock all the time hahaha!)

Thus came my obsession with make-up and clothes to beautify my outer appearance
I started dressing better, taking care of my appearance (When I was younger I was a boy who decided natural beauty was the way to go. natural meaning, no contacts, no doing ur hair etc. WHAT A WEIRD KID I WAS)
I also like my girls in frills and skirts!
In the past I’ll never wear a skirt without some sort of shorts under them, but I learnt to accept skirts and frilly dresses.

Only when I’m dressed proper (to my inner boy’s pref), will I sometimes catch myself staring at my self in the mirror, one too many times (=_=)||
I want to hit the inner-dude in me with a mallet haha.

So in short, I’m a shallow guy who likes oogling at pretty girls (which guy doesnt =_=) so being a girl physically, I would make myself “pretty”, however inside this shell, I sometimes feel like I have a gender identity crisis haha.

Thus I always say I need to find a guy manilier than I am hahaha *ROFL*

Anyways to make this not a totally pointless entry:

I seriously love this song ever sine I played it on my PSP!
I’m listening to halyosy ×ちょうちょ’s cover though, which has more emotion in it, obviously cause it’s being sung by humans !
Which is here:

I screamed with my hoarse voice, rebound and resonance echo in vain
Nothing is left at the end of the unchained me
The bond between us has come apart and is dying away in everyday
Goodbye, my sweetheart, it’s over
We have to leave without turning back

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